Oh the eventful life I lead lately. It feels like I'm finally coming to terms with all the shit that has overwhelmed me this past year. Losing people, dropping them, gaining new insight into the cruel side of my so-called friends. How many times have I come close to death this past year? How many times has my life been put in jeopardy by another... Who the fuck should have that right? Certainly not the assholes that have transported me to my present state. And the irony. Oh god, the irony makes me sick. They are familiar names. Familiar faces. Even now I cannot escape those who I left behind. Their names are everywhere. On the lips of a stranger, even. And you know them too. No one would believe, and no one deserves to be told.
And so here I am. With a renewed sense of caution and fresh wounds to lick. As if I weren't already overly wary of new people, I have more than a bit of resentment to cope with.
And Beans. Beans Beans Beans. Leyna. What to do with you..?
How can people so easily forget when I do nothing but hold keepsakes of the past, no matter how horrible- it just seems vital not to forget. The mistakes, the fears, the choices and the pain. My biggest mistake was to forget what I've seen and been through... Another Pandora's box is at the end of the tunnel. At least I'm biding my time this one around. Slow, steady, and not enjoying anything or anyone more than I should. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm doing more damage in the process. It seems, for me at least, that people will only be pushed so far. Either they snap and push you back, or they disappear forever. And I'm sick of being the one to disappear.
Who wouldn't get sick and fucking tired of feeling completely expendable?
Ah yes, getting on the plane for NYC at 7 tonight. Mmm... the weather and the energy of Queens. I miss it there...
How the HELL can I go back to PSL in January? *shudder*